1. #1
A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, “shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, “does she still have the hiccups?”
Three old ladies are sitting
A doctor remarked on his patients
A lady went to a doctor’s office where she was seen by a Doctor.
A few minutes into the examination, screeching could be heard from the room, and then the lady burst out of the room as if running for her life.
After much effort a nurse finally managed to calm her down enough to tell her story.
The nurse barged into the office of the Doctor and screamed, “shame on you, Mrs. Smith is 82 years old, and you told her she’s pregnant.”
The Doctor continued writing calmly and barely looking up said, “does she still have the hiccups?”
Three old ladies are sitting
A doctor remarked on his patients
2. #2
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a pure and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a bl**job?”
“Yuck!” she screams.
“I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a ha**job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says.
“What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
The ticket girl said
A guy comes home completely drunk
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a pure and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a bl**job?”
“Yuck!” she screams.
“I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says, “Well, then, how about a ha**job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says.
“What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
The ticket girl said
A guy comes home completely drunk
3. #3
Three contractors were submitting estimates to replace a large amount of fencing in a large country house.
The estate manager got them all together so that he could study their bids.
The first one took out his tape and measured how much fencing would be needed.
He then produced a notebook and pencil and proceeded to do some calculations before turning to the estate manager and telling him, “I reckon that with the materials and labour, I can do it for £900.”
The second contractor did much the same as the first one and after a while he said, “My estimate for the job, including materials and labour, would be £800 all in.”
The estate manager looked at the third contractor and asked him what his estimate would be.
The man didn’t move at all, but said to the manager, “£2800.”
“£2800?” said the manager, “but you haven’t even bothered to measure up. How did you arrive at that figure?”
The man took the manager’s arm and walked him a few paces away from the other contractors and said to him quietly, “That’s a thousand for me, a thousand for you, and you get the second bloke to do the fencing.”
“Done,” said the manager.
Two guys were hiking in the mountains
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
Three contractors were submitting estimates to replace a large amount of fencing in a large country house.
The estate manager got them all together so that he could study their bids.
The first one took out his tape and measured how much fencing would be needed.
He then produced a notebook and pencil and proceeded to do some calculations before turning to the estate manager and telling him, “I reckon that with the materials and labour, I can do it for £900.”
The second contractor did much the same as the first one and after a while he said, “My estimate for the job, including materials and labour, would be £800 all in.”
The estate manager looked at the third contractor and asked him what his estimate would be.
The man didn’t move at all, but said to the manager, “£2800.”
“£2800?” said the manager, “but you haven’t even bothered to measure up. How did you arrive at that figure?”
The man took the manager’s arm and walked him a few paces away from the other contractors and said to him quietly, “That’s a thousand for me, a thousand for you, and you get the second bloke to do the fencing.”
“Done,” said the manager.
Two guys were hiking in the mountains
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
4. #4
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
5. #5
This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”
His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”
The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said, “Of course, you can,” and shut the door.
A man went to his lawyer and told
A man goes to a bar with his dog
This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”
His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”
The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said, “Of course, you can,” and shut the door.
A man went to his lawyer and told
A man goes to a bar with his dog
6. #6
It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,
The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.
The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.
“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.
“Sure Father.” Said Rick.
He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:
“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.
“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.
At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.
“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.
“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,
“I dare you to do it again!”
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A little girl who really loved dolls
It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,
The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.
The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.
“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.
“Sure Father.” Said Rick.
He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:
“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.
“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.
At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.
“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.
“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,
“I dare you to do it again!”
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A little girl who really loved dolls
7. #7
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to asks another saleswoman:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
“No, I’m sorry ma’am, I haven’t seen your husband.”
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers: “Yes I saw him, he ran out of here rickety split.”
To which the Italian woman answers: “No no no, that’s not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the melons but he no rickety split!”
He passed his parent’s room
The husband and wife have a quarrel
An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a my-a Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers that she hasn’t seen her husband.
So the Italian woman goes to asks another saleswoman:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
“No, I’m sorry ma’am, I haven’t seen your husband.”
The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:
“Excuse me, have you seen-a me Tony. He’s got a big-a belly and a-lots a of curly black hair?”
The saleswoman answers: “Yes I saw him, he ran out of here rickety split.”
To which the Italian woman answers: “No no no, that’s not-a my Tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the melons but he no rickety split!”
He passed his parent’s room
The husband and wife have a quarrel
8. #8
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude.?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
A drunk stumbled out the door
Joan invited some people to dinner
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude.?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
A drunk stumbled out the door
Joan invited some people to dinner
9. #9
A family are driving in their car on holidays.
A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.
He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car.
The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area.”
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”
Johnny had to take care of his baby sister
A old couple was watching movie
A family are driving in their car on holidays.
A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car.
He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, “Please make my dog win the next dog race.”
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car.
The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, “Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area.”
The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, “Could I please have another look at the dog?”
Johnny had to take care of his baby sister
A old couple was watching movie
10. #10
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor.
The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A man and his dog walk
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor.
The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A man and his dog walk
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
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11. #11
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lessons about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Basketball injury
A old man and a young man
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lessons about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Basketball injury
A old man and a young man
12. #12
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply.
The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn’t care for Irishmen, thinks they’re drunks and dumb and unreliable.
But he knows he can’t just come out and say that.
So, the foreman says, “Now, see here chap!
This operation is not in the habit of hiring just any old sod who applies, you have to show me you have some builder experience and knowledge.
I’ll hire you if you can answer some questions.”
The Irishman says, “Deadly! I been a builder for donkey’s years, Holy joe.
let’s have it, then, i’ll show you i’m not a dosser!”
The foreman thinks to himself, “Righto, this geezer’s a lota wind. let’s send him packing”.
So he asks:
“Alright, what’s the difference between a Girder and a Joist?”
The irishman thinks for a few seconds and grumbles a bit.
He pauses long enough for the Englishman to get a bit of a smirk on his face (as English are wont to do).
Finally, he takes a breath, taste it in his gut, and stands a little straighter to answer:
“One wrote Faust, the other wrote Finnegan’s Wake
A man came home from work
My general was making so damn angry
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go to a construction site and apply.
The foreman is an older English fellow who doesn’t care for Irishmen, thinks they’re drunks and dumb and unreliable.
But he knows he can’t just come out and say that.
So, the foreman says, “Now, see here chap!
This operation is not in the habit of hiring just any old sod who applies, you have to show me you have some builder experience and knowledge.
I’ll hire you if you can answer some questions.”
The Irishman says, “Deadly! I been a builder for donkey’s years, Holy joe.
let’s have it, then, i’ll show you i’m not a dosser!”
The foreman thinks to himself, “Righto, this geezer’s a lota wind. let’s send him packing”.
So he asks:
“Alright, what’s the difference between a Girder and a Joist?”
The irishman thinks for a few seconds and grumbles a bit.
He pauses long enough for the Englishman to get a bit of a smirk on his face (as English are wont to do).
Finally, he takes a breath, taste it in his gut, and stands a little straighter to answer:
“One wrote Faust, the other wrote Finnegan’s Wake
A man came home from work
My general was making so damn angry
13. #13
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
14. #14
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry that’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me what do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky that’s his third bear this week.”
There was an engineer
Two elderly women were out driving
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, “I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home.
If I didn’t clean it and freeze it, my mom would’ve been angry that’s why I’m so late”.
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, “I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me.
I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me.
He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs
He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me what do you think of that, Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky that’s his third bear this week.”
There was an engineer
Two elderly women were out driving
15. #15
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
16. #16
Young boy gets suspended from school.
His mother was furious, and yelled ” “What did you do this time?!”
The boy said all I did was tell a joke.
He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants.
Then the teacher asked me what I said to them, and so I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants too.
Then he sent me to the principal’s office and when the principal asked me why I was there, I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants.
So he suspended me.
His mother said skeptically, “For telling a joke?”
The boy said no ma’am, for starting shit.
Gifts to grandpa
Two old farmers are talking
Young boy gets suspended from school.
His mother was furious, and yelled ” “What did you do this time?!”
The boy said all I did was tell a joke.
He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants.
Then the teacher asked me what I said to them, and so I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants too.
Then he sent me to the principal’s office and when the principal asked me why I was there, I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants.
So he suspended me.
His mother said skeptically, “For telling a joke?”
The boy said no ma’am, for starting shit.
Gifts to grandpa
Two old farmers are talking
17. #17
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.
He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”
She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man
“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”
She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Three ladies walked into a bar
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time.
He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.
He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.
“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”
She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man
“This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!”
She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy, so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Three ladies walked into a bar
18. #18
Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment.
“How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” she asked.”
“It’s $130”, was the prompt reply.
“$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous!
There must be a way for you to go cheaper.
“Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.
“Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.”
“Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.”
“Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
Barry and hannah couch watching TV
Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment.
“How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” she asked.”
“It’s $130”, was the prompt reply.
“$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous!
There must be a way for you to go cheaper.
“Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.
“Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.”
“Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.”
“Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
Barry and hannah couch watching TV
19. #19
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded.
“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded.
“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A guy walks into a bar with his dog
A young boy and his dad went out fishing
20. #20
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
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21. #21
The waitress says, “I’m sorry, but the man next to you got the last bowl.”
The man looks over and sees that the other man has finished his meal, but that the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks him, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other man says, “No, by all means, help yourself.”
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
It’s delicious the best chunky chili he’s had in a long time.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
Surprised, he looks down and sees a dead mouse in the bowl, and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A shipwreck
A important race on a new horse
The waitress says, “I’m sorry, but the man next to you got the last bowl.”
The man looks over and sees that the other man has finished his meal, but that the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks him, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other man says, “No, by all means, help yourself.”
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
It’s delicious the best chunky chili he’s had in a long time.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
Surprised, he looks down and sees a dead mouse in the bowl, and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A shipwreck
A important race on a new horse
22. #22
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.
When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.
Bob thought he’d give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle.
Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”
A man went to the doctor
Bubba and Earl were driving down the road
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place.
When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife.
Joe said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better.
Bob thought he’d give it a go.
When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.
She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle.
Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”
A man went to the doctor
Bubba and Earl were driving down the road
23. #23
Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy…
The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.
“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.
“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher’s pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are melons! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will too!”
“Very good Janie, you are correct.” said the teacher. “Now,” Miss Wilson continued, aiming the pointer lower, “who can tell me what this is?”
“I know! I know!” Janie shouted. “That’s a virginia.
My mommy has one and it’s where I was born!”
“Very good Janie! Only, it’s pronounced VA-GI-NA.
Virginia is one of the original 13 colonies, and is now a state in our country.” Miss Wilson corrected.
Turning to the male anatomy chart, the teacher aimed her pointer and asked “Does anyone know what we call this?”
“I know! I know Miss Wilson! That’s a weapon! My daddy has two of those!” Janie proclaimed.
“Well Janie, you are right, it is a weapon, but unless he has a birth defect, I’m pretty sure your daddy only has one of them.” the teacher explained.
Janie stood up, defiant. “Nuh-uh Miss Wilson! I know! My daddy doesn’t have any birth effects! And he has TWO weapon’s.
He has a little one he pees with, and he has a BIG one he brushes mommy’s teeth with!”
A young man strides into a chemist
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy…
The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.
“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.
“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher’s pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are melons! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will too!”
“Very good Janie, you are correct.” said the teacher. “Now,” Miss Wilson continued, aiming the pointer lower, “who can tell me what this is?”
“I know! I know!” Janie shouted. “That’s a virginia.
My mommy has one and it’s where I was born!”
“Very good Janie! Only, it’s pronounced VA-GI-NA.
Virginia is one of the original 13 colonies, and is now a state in our country.” Miss Wilson corrected.
Turning to the male anatomy chart, the teacher aimed her pointer and asked “Does anyone know what we call this?”
“I know! I know Miss Wilson! That’s a weapon! My daddy has two of those!” Janie proclaimed.
“Well Janie, you are right, it is a weapon, but unless he has a birth defect, I’m pretty sure your daddy only has one of them.” the teacher explained.
Janie stood up, defiant. “Nuh-uh Miss Wilson! I know! My daddy doesn’t have any birth effects! And he has TWO weapon’s.
He has a little one he pees with, and he has a BIG one he brushes mommy’s teeth with!”
A young man strides into a chemist
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
24. #24
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses.
Three guys are on a plane
One day there was this little girl watching TV
25. #25
It’s 10 pm when the phone rings in An Elderly Dr. Stein’s house.
“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,
“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”
Dr. Stein takes the phone and says,
“Hi, what’s up?”
“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold.
“It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game of poker and we’re short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”
“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice,
“I’m leaving right now.”
And he puts down the phone.
“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.
“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies.
“They’ve already called three doctors.”
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
A man prepares his donkey and dog
It’s 10 pm when the phone rings in An Elderly Dr. Stein’s house.
“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,
“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”
Dr. Stein takes the phone and says,
“Hi, what’s up?”
“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold.
“It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game of poker and we’re short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”
“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice,
“I’m leaving right now.”
And he puts down the phone.
“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.
“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies.
“They’ve already called three doctors.”
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
A man prepares his donkey and dog
26. #26
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
27. #27
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
“She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor.
“She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He damn near died on us.
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall.
“Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend
28. #28
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
A woman wakes up in the middle of the night only to find her husband wasn’t there.
She puts on her robe and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter Dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of the night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you was only 15?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies.
The husband pauses. The words aren’t coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us having lovemaking in the back seat of the car?”
“Yes,I remember.” she replies,lowering herself in a chair beside him.
The husband continues.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said either you marry my daughter, or I’ll see to it you spend the next 20 years in prison.”
“I remember that too.” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today.”
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
29. #29
A husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”
As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”
The husband said, “I know all that.”
The wife looked on at him with incredulity.
She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.
The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
A couple that had been married
A husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”
As expected, the wife wasn’t happy at being imposed upon during what she imagined to be a quiet evening.
His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”
The husband said, “I know all that.”
The wife looked on at him with incredulity.
She wondered when she would ever get a little peace.
“Why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.
The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”
A elderly couple were having an elegant dinner
A couple that had been married
30. #30
There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant.
On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
There are two polite people having dinner together in a restaurant.
On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other, “You may choose first.”
“No, you may choose first.”
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says, “OK, I’ll take first.”
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person, “Why did you take the big piece? That’s not polite!”
The first person says, “Which piece would *you* have taken?”
The second person replies, “Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course.”
The first person says, “Well, that’s what you have now!”
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home
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