1.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knocking’!
There’s no paper on this side either!”
One night a lady came home
Mother superior tells two new nuns
2.
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
“Say, what’s your name, mister? ” she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
“It’s Snow, Roy Snow,” he answered, “and what’s yours? ”
“I’m June, June Hansen,” she said.
“Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?”, she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
“Can you imagine what it might be like,” he countered with a question of his own, “Having eight inches of Snow in June?”
Two guys were picked up by cops
A man was annoyed when his wife
3.
If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.
This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.
My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”
The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
Actual Instruction Labels
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.
This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.
My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”
The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
Actual Instruction Labels
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
4.
A young couple with a box of rubber pack proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six rubber remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five rubber pack?”
His nervous reply was,
“Errr, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a rubber pack before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
A man is working in a weapon store
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A young couple with a box of rubber pack proceeded to do the wild thing.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six rubber remaining in the box of 12,
so she asked him,
“What happened to the other five rubber pack?”
His nervous reply was,
“Errr, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a rubber pack before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”
A man is working in a weapon store
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
5.
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’
Ray was stunned ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back!’
St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past ‘so, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
‘Not bad,’ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!’
‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
‘Never,’ said Ray.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster It’s no big deal.
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.
“Ray, wake up! You shit on the bed!”
Wife had delivered twins
A old couple Abe and Esther
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’
Ray was stunned ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back!’
St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past ‘so, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
‘Not bad,’ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!’
‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
‘Never,’ said Ray.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster It’s no big deal.
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.
“Ray, wake up! You shit on the bed!”
Wife had delivered twins
A old couple Abe and Esther
6.
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.
A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
“Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.”
“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him.”
The smoke is pouring from the windows Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it.
He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.
The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
While teaching religion class
A group of friends went deer hunting
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.
A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
“Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.”
“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him.”
The smoke is pouring from the windows Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it.
He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.
The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
While teaching religion class
A group of friends went deer hunting
7.
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
A boy who was a witness to a crime was called to testify in court.
He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, “Did anyone tell you what to say in court?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the boy.
“I thought so,” said the attorney. “Who was it?”
“My father, sir.”
“And what did he tell you?” the attorney asked accusingly.
“He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right.”
After many years of bachelorhood
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
8.
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed.
“Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go.
But curiosity got the better of him.
“Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again.
“Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
The friendly usher
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”
“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway that’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”
The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed.
“Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles, “Oh, I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go.
But curiosity got the better of him.
“Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again.
“Probably because I just got off Interstate 175.”
The coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players
The friendly usher
9.
I have such a dilemma.
There is a guy at my gym with no legs.
And I feel really awkward around him every time I see him.
So I tried to make a connection.
I said, ‘Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?’
A squirrel
You Know You’re Addicted
I have such a dilemma.
There is a guy at my gym with no legs.
And I feel really awkward around him every time I see him.
So I tried to make a connection.
I said, ‘Hey Dan. Working on arms again today?’
A squirrel
You Know You’re Addicted
10.
There was this blonde city girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area.
She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?”
The farmer c*cked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone:
“Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.”
Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw.
Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by putting’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
“But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
A blonde went to her doctor
She is talking to her lawyer
There was this blonde city girl who was out driving and found herself in a rural area.
She noted a farm animal standing next to a farmer and stopped the car to ask the farmer a question.
“Sir,” she inquired, “Why doesn’t this cow have any horns?”
The farmer c*cked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone:
“Well, ma’am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.”
Sometimes we keep’em trimmed down with a hacksaw.
Other times we can fix up the young ‘uns by putting’ a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops ’em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns.
“But the reason this cow don’t have no horns, ma’am, is ’cause it’s a horse.”
A blonde went to her doctor
She is talking to her lawyer
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11.
A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:
Husband: “I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.”
Inspector: “What is her height?”
Husband: “I never checked.”
Inspector: “Slim or healthy?”
Husband: “Not slim, she can be healthy.”
Inspector: “Colour of eyes.”
Husband: “Never noticed.”
Inspector: Colour of hair?”
Husband: “It changes according to season.”
Inspector: “What was she wearing?”
Husband: “Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.”
Inspector: “Was she driving?”
Husband: “Yes.”
Inspector: “Tell me the type and colour of the car?”
Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying.”
Inspector: “Don’t worry sir, we will find your car!”
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
A policeman goes home after a long
A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:
Husband: “I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.”
Inspector: “What is her height?”
Husband: “I never checked.”
Inspector: “Slim or healthy?”
Husband: “Not slim, she can be healthy.”
Inspector: “Colour of eyes.”
Husband: “Never noticed.”
Inspector: Colour of hair?”
Husband: “It changes according to season.”
Inspector: “What was she wearing?”
Husband: “Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.”
Inspector: “Was she driving?”
Husband: “Yes.”
Inspector: “Tell me the type and colour of the car?”
Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying.”
Inspector: “Don’t worry sir, we will find your car!”
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
A policeman goes home after a long
12.
The Lawyer looks around shrewdly, grabs three freshly baked buns and quickly puts them into his pockets.
He says to the Priest, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns the owner didn’t even see me.”
The Priest replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Priest then proceeded to call out to the owner of the bakery, “Sir, I want to show you a miracle of the lord.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see what the priest was talking about.
The Priest asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to give it to a homeless-looking man outside.
He asked two more times, and after once again handing the buns out, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the miracle?”
The Priest said, “Look in the Lawyer’s pockets.”
Two beggars live in a forest
A beggar was given a piece of bread
The Lawyer looks around shrewdly, grabs three freshly baked buns and quickly puts them into his pockets.
He says to the Priest, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns the owner didn’t even see me.”
The Priest replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Priest then proceeded to call out to the owner of the bakery, “Sir, I want to show you a miracle of the lord.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see what the priest was talking about.
The Priest asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to give it to a homeless-looking man outside.
He asked two more times, and after once again handing the buns out, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the miracle?”
The Priest said, “Look in the Lawyer’s pockets.”
Two beggars live in a forest
A beggar was given a piece of bread
13.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
14.
A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.
In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.
Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.
The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.
He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.
The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”
Peter comes very drunk home
One man was reading the newspaper
A man and his wife were at odds and not talking to each other.
In the evening, the man suddenly remembered that he needed his wife to wake him up the next day at 5 am so he could make it in time for a business flight.
Since he did not want to be the first to break the silence, he wrote to her on a piece of paper “Please wake me up at 5 am” and left the note on the bedside table.
The next morning the man woke up only to find that it was nine o’clock and he had missed the flight.
He jumped out of bed furiously to find out why his wife had not awakened him and came across a note on his bedside table.
The note read: “it’s 5 o’clock, wake up.”
Peter comes very drunk home
One man was reading the newspaper
15.
A Raven, which you know is black as coal, was envious of the Swan, because her feathers were as white as the purest snow.
The foolish bird got the idea that if he lived like the Swan, swimming and diving all day long and eating the weeds and plants that grow in the water,
his feathers would turn white like the Swan’s.
So he left his home in the woods and fields and flew down to live on the lakes and in the marshes.
But though he washed and washed all day long, almost drowning himself at it, his feathers remained as black as ever and as the water weeds he ate did not agree with him, he got thinner and thinner, and at last he died.
She Asks The Boy His Father’s Occupation
The devil pulls up
A Raven, which you know is black as coal, was envious of the Swan, because her feathers were as white as the purest snow.
The foolish bird got the idea that if he lived like the Swan, swimming and diving all day long and eating the weeds and plants that grow in the water,
his feathers would turn white like the Swan’s.
So he left his home in the woods and fields and flew down to live on the lakes and in the marshes.
But though he washed and washed all day long, almost drowning himself at it, his feathers remained as black as ever and as the water weeds he ate did not agree with him, he got thinner and thinner, and at last he died.
She Asks The Boy His Father’s Occupation
The devil pulls up
16.
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, a are sitting on the couch watching TV.
On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death a etc.
“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to a put an end to it.”
“No problem ham,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
Adam woke up suddenly
Barry and Hannah, an old married couple, a are sitting on the couch watching TV.
On the show they were speaking about how to prepare in case of death a etc.
“Honey,” says Barry, turning to his wife with a serious expression, “I want you to promise me, that if there ever comes a time that I am dependent on just machines and bottled fluid, that you will make sure to a put an end to it.”
“No problem ham,” said Hannah, and she promptly got up, turned off the TV, and poured his beer down the drain.
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
Adam woke up suddenly
17.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have make love with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”
She is going to paint a couple of rooms
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have make love with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”
She is going to paint a couple of rooms
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
18.
Finding one of her student Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground,..
Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,
“Johnny, when I was a child,
I was told if that I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Johnny looked up and replied,
“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
Dry humor about water
Finding one of her student Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground,..
Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,
“Johnny, when I was a child,
I was told if that I made ugly faces,
it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Johnny looked up and replied,
“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
Dry humor about water
19.
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
There was a village on the outskirts of a forest.
A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest.
One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun.
So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf.
The wolf is carrying away a lamb.”
Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”.
The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days.
After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf.
The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come.
The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help.
The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again.
The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.
The Englishman & Irishman
A singles bar where he spotted
20.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
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21.
He went to buy a guard dog, but his wife was angry when he returned with a chihuahua.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees, “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua.
The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular chihuahua It’s an attack chihuahua!”
The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack chihuahua, chair”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow,” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog.”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again attack chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a chihuahua?!”
She yelled “Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary chihuahua, this is an attack chihuahua!”
“Attack chihuahua, my bum!”
Are you still going to that memory clinic
A old hillbilly farmer
He went to buy a guard dog, but his wife was angry when he returned with a chihuahua.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees, “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds, “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua.
The man was not impressed and said, “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular chihuahua It’s an attack chihuahua!”
The employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack chihuahua, chair”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow,” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog.”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again attack chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a chihuahua?!”
She yelled “Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary chihuahua, this is an attack chihuahua!”
“Attack chihuahua, my bum!”
Are you still going to that memory clinic
A old hillbilly farmer
22.
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
There weren’t as many violators this day as usual.
The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
“Officer, I don’t understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies,
“You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…
Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…
is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,”
the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215.”
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.
There weren’t as many violators this day as usual.
The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
“Officer, I don’t understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies,
“You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…
Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…
is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,”
the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215.”
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking
23.
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
24.
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.
His surprised boss said, Well, sure.
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.
Dove And Ant
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.
His surprised boss said, Well, sure.
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.
Dove And Ant
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
25.
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.
He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.
Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out.
A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says, “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pajamas off.”
A woman joins a country club
A cowboy is riding his horse
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.
He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.
Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out.
A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says, “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pajamas off.”
A woman joins a country club
A cowboy is riding his horse
26.
A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend
While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge manhood
She whisper to her mother “What is that between his legs?”
Her mother whisper back “Oh that is nothing darling.”
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father
“Daddy what does he have between his legs?
Her father whisper back “That his tool darling.
He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants.”
The little girl get confused & whisper “Mum says it’s nothing.”
Father reply “Yes but I spoil that woman.”
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend
While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge manhood
She whisper to her mother “What is that between his legs?”
Her mother whisper back “Oh that is nothing darling.”
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father
“Daddy what does he have between his legs?
Her father whisper back “That his tool darling.
He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants.”
The little girl get confused & whisper “Mum says it’s nothing.”
Father reply “Yes but I spoil that woman.”
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A Husband was a bit embarrassed
27.
Two medical students were walking along the street.
When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old-timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas but I was wrong, too!”
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
Two old men decide they are close
Two medical students were walking along the street.
When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old-timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas but I was wrong, too!”
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
Two old men decide they are close
28.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He’d never been to church in his life:
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”
Murphy said. “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said.
“After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?”
Murphy slowly shook his head.
“No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Johnny is back at school after the holidays
29.
A Man and His Wife Are at a Restaurant and the Husband Keeps Staring at an Old Drunken Lady Swigging Her Gin at a Nearby Table.
His Wife Asks, “Do You Know Her?”
“Yes,” Sighs the Husband.
“She’s My Ex-wife, she Took to Drinking Right after We Divorced Seven Years Ago, and I Hear She Hasn’t Been Sober Since.”
“My God!” Says the Wife.
“Who Would Think a Person Could Go on Celebrating That Long?”
A poor boy and rich girl
Who Want To Go To Hell
A Man and His Wife Are at a Restaurant and the Husband Keeps Staring at an Old Drunken Lady Swigging Her Gin at a Nearby Table.
His Wife Asks, “Do You Know Her?”
“Yes,” Sighs the Husband.
“She’s My Ex-wife, she Took to Drinking Right after We Divorced Seven Years Ago, and I Hear She Hasn’t Been Sober Since.”
“My God!” Says the Wife.
“Who Would Think a Person Could Go on Celebrating That Long?”
A poor boy and rich girl
Who Want To Go To Hell
30.
Jack goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my weapon hand job. Can you help me?”
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your weapon are damaged.
There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.”
Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?”
“Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your weapon.”
Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having lovemaking again is too much, let’s go for it.”
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.
His weapon immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”
Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my bum.”
A elderly man goes into a night house
A man and woman were discussing
Jack goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting my weapon hand job. Can you help me?”
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your weapon are damaged.
There’s really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment.”
Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?”
“Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your weapon.”
Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having lovemaking again is too much, let’s go for it.”
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment.
He planned a romantic evening and took his date to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly.
His weapon immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants.
His date was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”
Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I don’t think I can fit another roll in my bum.”
A elderly man goes into a night house
A man and woman were discussing
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